blades of grass

i walked right out my front door

to learn from natures floor

the dirt the streets and the sidewalk

they say so much yet they don't talk

& what my toes touched last

the blades of grass

taught me how to grow 

to let the sun run the show

focus on the shine 

& this lovely earth of yours, and mine

my pops told me 

long ago

that some folks 

just think they know

all about life

its thoughts 

its rhymes 

its story times

and we cant last

but they are wrong 

and i love you

so please come too

as times goes on this world will change 

but our love will stay the same

but then one day we will die

and watch our souls will fly

and there will lay our hands are grasped 

in the blades of grass

I don't remember

it's frustrating to look at the three pages i have in front of me filled of "i remembers" and

 have a journal next to me opened to May 13, 2009 that says 

BEST DAY EVER.

because that's all it says.

and i don't remember why. 

i don't know why.

because thats all it says. 

i love all the memories i've kept but where did the rest go? 

and why did i keep some and lose the others? 

why was May 13th the best day ever?

i don't remember.

i don't remember ever meeting my best friend.

i don't remember the first time i fell in love with chocolate milk. 

i'm guessing it was a cold night with movies and sippie cups but i don't remember.

i don't remember our old neighbors last name. the one with the big blue house

i don't remember my little brother being born or what i was doing before i was born.

 i hear of stories and i'm told i will one day remember but right now i don't.

i don't remember his middle name.

i don't remember the first car ride that we actually talked but i know it happened because we practically lived in that car. freak we almost died in that car. 

i don't remember what happened that night but i still stay up late at nights wondering how i can remember every sound and thought but not remember what actually happened.

i don't remember her birthday. actually i do but i don't want to because she doesn't remember mine. &my grandma doesn't remember either but i forgive her because she's sick. but sometimes aren't we all?

no matter how many times you tell me the story i don't remember you throwing snowballs at me. 

i don't remember where that jacket went. i see it in pictures too much and i want it back.

i don't remember how old my parents are i just know that they are getting too old.

i don't remember the first song i danced too.

i don't remember the first time i felt cold. or hurt. or cried.

i have a birth mark on my left ankle and i don't remember it ever being there before age 11. 

i don't remember when these sheets became so empty so fast. 

or when i fell asleep because last thing i remember was calling out your name just waiting for an "i love you" reply.

i don't remember what i was for halloween in second grade. 

it was literally life or death at the time but i don't remember my seventh grade locker combination. or ever practicing the violin. 

i don't remember how my fear of dogs started but i remember him laughing at me.

 i don't remember the score to my best game or anything i learned about credit score.

i don't remember what i ever saw in him or what kind of car old man Jenkins drove.

i don't remember. 

 i don't remember my best day ever.

i have a journal next to me opened to May 13, 2009 that says best day ever.

and i don't remember why.

tall walls and warm spaces

Hello My Heart,

How have you been? 

You still there 

inside my skin? 

I've been worried. 

I haven't felt anything for awhile & you had me worried. 

Maybe it's this dang cough or maybe it's because I refuse to take you running 

but whatever it is

                                                                                                                             

 I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the walls. 

I built so many because I wanted to keep you safe.  

safe.

safe wasn't suppose to be lonely.

safe was suppose to save you from the bruises.

safe was suppose to protect you from those teenage boys 

... and girls

safe was going to keep them away and let them not get away.

safe.

safe was the answer.

& i'm sorry because i'm weak and i played it safe. 

but safe was warm.

 and I wanted to stay.

...

It snowed today and I am cold now.

Our fireplace doesn't work and I am cold now.

They left this morning and I am cold now.

my mom told me to go run today,

& I still didn't listen.

I'm sorry I don't take you running.

Maybe this year when january comes around it'll be different.

It's cold now 

but

 it will be different.

Sincerely,

me

clap your hands say yeah

I didn't go to the dance last night, but I did alphabetized some favorites and enjoyed my sunday listening while looking at your cute pictures from the dance.

enjoy 

Africa - Toto
American Pie - Don Mclean
Another Story - The Head and the Heart
Another Sunny Day - Belle & Sebastian
Asleep - The Smiths
Bad Kids - Black Lips
Bloom - The Paper Kites
Butter for Burns - Mideau
Calendar Girl - Stars
Cecelia - Simon & Garfunkel
Cold is the Night -  The Oh Hello's
Dashboard - Modestmouse
Dear Darcy - Joshua James
Elevator Love Letter - Stars
Falling in Love @ a Coffee Shop - Landon Pigg
Fire & Rain - James Taylor
Flapper Girl - The Lumineers
Flightless Bird American Mouth (Wedding Version) - Iron and Wine
Float on - Modest Mouse
Frankly Mr. Shankly - The Smiths
The Garden you Planted -  Sea Wolf
Girlfriend - Phoenix
A Girl, A Boy, and a Graveyard - Jeremy Messersmith
Hello my old Heart - The Oh Hello's
Hey - Pixies
House of Cards -  Issac Russel
Howlin for you - Black Keys
I knew You were trouble - Taylor Swift
I will follow you into the dark - Death Cab
I'm Gonna Be - Sleeping at Last
It all Began with a Burst - Kishi Bashi
January Hymn - The Decembrists
Jolene - Ray LaMontagne
King of Carrot Flowers part 1 - Neutral Milk Hotel
Kiss Me - Sixpence None the Richer
Know Your Onion! - Shins
Landslide - Fleetwood Mac
Little Lion man - Mumford and Sons
Livin in the Sunlight - Tiny Tim
Me & Julio Down by the School Yard - Paul Simon
Michicant - Bon Iver
Money - The Drums
Mushaboom - Feist
My Body's a Zombie for You - Dead Man's Bones
Naive - The Kooks
Naked as We Came - Iron and Wine
New Slang - Shins
No More - Flipsyde
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da - The Beatles
Ooh La - The Kooks
Organ Donar - Jeremy Messersmith
Pa Pa Power - Dead Man's Bones
Paper Aeroplane - Angus and Julia Stone
Peace Train - Cat Stevens
Pizza, New York Catcher - Belle & Sebastian
Play with Fire - Vance Joy
Please, Please, Pleas, let me Get What I Want - The Smiths
Pushin' Daisies - The Yaks
Quelqu'un M'a Dit - Caria Bruni
Red Rabbits - Shins
Riptide - Vance Joy
Scientist Wife - The Yaks
Sexyback - Justin Timberlake
She's got you High - Mumm-Ra
Skinny Love - Birdy
Something Good Can Work - Two Door Cinema Club
Soul Meets Body - Death Cab
Stuck on you - Meiko
Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap
There is a Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths
To be Born - Sayde Price
Trees - The Oh Hello's
Unless it Kicks - Okkervil River
Up Up Up - Givers
Upon this Tidal Wave of Young Blood - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
the Violet Hour - Sea Wolf
the Way I am - Ingrid Michaelson
When you Love Somebody - Fruitbats
Where is My Mind - Pixies
White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes
World Spins Madly On - The Weepies
X Offender - Blondie
XO - Beyonce
Yellow Brick Road - Angus and Julia Stone
You Make Lovin Fun - Fleetwood Mac
You Make My Dreams - Hall & Oats
Your ex-lover is Dead - Stars
Zoostation - U2 (mostly because I didn't have a song for Z)

yup. it happened.

old friend

 my mind is growing tired, 

too much thinking of what i should do. what i need to do. 

but it keeps drifting back to watermelon and rooftops.

to capes and mud fights. 

i was told to love loud and love often

but i never did do what i was told

is it to late? 

can we be curious?

and pretend that we could be?

 curious? 

maybe this is how it starts,

lets play pretend

i am still not certain what i am, or what we were.

but i'm here. 

WHERE ARE YOU?

really i know, i left my heart there in june.

but i didn't know i would want you to find it

so please do. &let me know when that happens.

i want to hear your voice like we once did everyday.

i hope its wonderful where you are.

see you and the gang soon.

you 

and the gang 

soon

thoughts and prayers

My shoulder is asleep under my little sisters head and I don't want to wake her.
This is my first post from my phone and my shoulder tingles.
We went to dinner today and sat for 12 minutes and 52 seconds in complete silence .. I timed it.
Our waiter asked if I needed a refill.
I said yes. Give me two.
thoughts of work life and regret filled the table.
Your phone lights up one to many times and his eyes roll
I feel bad cause I raised my voice but I wanted them to know I only have a year
The year is not what's important and I'm really not bugged about the phone (this time) but I hope you recognize the silence and are sensitive to sound cause sometimes I don't know
I want to go out of state for college but I know we don't have the money and I don't have the grades
My sister is waking and my shoulder is piercing with needles that aren't really there but I want you to know I love you and am proud of you. This phone call is more important than me and I know they need it more than me so I guess in state college it is.

death

i was ready to die. well at least i thought i was. up until i met him ... looked him straight in the eye. he was very appealing, especially in black. 17 year old pity me years were over and i approached him confidently.

we talked

 we laughed

and took a walk on a fine line.

 i was comfortable

& i enjoyed myself

i told him secrets that i haven't told myself yet. 

he knows who Angie is and knows the reasons why i want to leave so badly. he made me question my god and made me feel stupid for not being on my knees.

i don't trust. never have never will. i learned that in fifth grade, he only reminded me of what i had forgotten.

DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS

his name was death. and you wanna know what he told me? 

 WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.

    and that scared me.

roll the film

rewind. 

looking up at the tops of trees as you drove, 

wondering how on earth i could be this comfortable 
upside down. 

play a little further back and see me picking you up from being with her. 

stop it, the tape is getting tangled,

just like your long hair used to.

it's messing up the picture and now it's on repeat. 

playing over and over and over, 
screaming in my ear

fast cars & lips

My little brother (eight by the way) sat me down and gave me a talk I will never forget. He called it

how to get a boyfriend. 

Now hello I'm the seventeen year old here and seventeen should be for dancing and kissing but since I lack in one or more of those departments I decided to listen up. 

The first thing he said was make up. Now I know every guy out there always says "you're so much prettier when your natural" and "I hate the orange faced clown mask that girls think they have to wear" but trust me boys you would not want to see majority of us females in our natural habitats. We are animals and zits are not fun. Neither are high school girls. So listen up and remember: wear makeup and be beautiful because the best thing a girl can be in this world is a 

beautiful   

                 little                   

                                fool.

Second. Run fast. Put down the chocolate and pick up the ball because that's what all boys want. They want to be chased around the swings and down the hall. I tie my shoes a little to tight so I know my feet are there. So that hopefully I can find that boy and run and run and run and chase because my little brother always said that running faster will always catch them. &when you catch them, hold them. And hang on tight. 

3. Lol. Rofl. 😂. Hahhhhhahahaha:))):):)):):):))) humor is something you have or you don't so hopefully you have it cause if you don't, you're screwed. 

I don't know why I'm listening to an eight year old boy.

 I don't know why you're listening to an eight year old boy.

Four - Stop it. 

Silly that this step is five because every word is four me. love, kiss, love lots. hugs. hold. don't. lips. hate. like. like - like. take. bees. bird. bare. hand. deep. form. drug. girl. boyz. slut. hazy. idol. kook. fool. best. miss. joys. rare. hope. good. care. free. KISS. help. heal. give. home. time. cats. plus. life. done. warm. dare. grin. joke. calm. soul. soft. free. real. tool. pray. more. kiss. cure. blur. make rest. play. them. work. talk. need. more. save. lost. seek. slam. tick. tock. they. lost. unit. lips. love. kiss.
         kiss.
                     love.
                                  lots.
                                            lips.
                                                       kiss.

#stolen

i give you a thought. 

it was so sad to see him struggle this way. They were lucky. all emptiness! what happens when we keep words apart? My future was something i was looking for. but i am not sure what i think or how i feel. teenage smoking is one of the great, baffling phenomena of modern life. relax? what does it mean to relax? wooden boxes. boss. pen. she&him. something timid and weak. Making mistakes with a frequency that was frightening. never utter a foolish statement. take some $$$$. fear comes from a lack of focus! did you learn anything? that's it. I never think of the future. dress well. i tell myself it's not okay.

thick glasses, & light pink hair

Recorded by the one and only (insert 11 year old sisters name here)

The question Lone Peak asks itself daily. 

Are we human? 

or are we hipster?

for all the yesterdays and tomorrows

ya know life is a delicate thing. one minute you're here and then the next you could be gone. i could be gone. we all could be gone. 

i'm grateful god has spared me this long, he must believe in me more than my piano teacher did. she always would call me twice a week to remind me to practice, then reward me with the candy she knew i couldn't resist.  i lied about practicing. &the thing is, i don't feel guilty.

i appreciate laughs we had in my car. for the screams and ditching class. the wood park will always be our park and happy birthdays will still happen once a year.

i was scared the sun wouldn't come up today. just like it always does .... it did.

my mom asked for the pictures because all she really cares about are the pictures and her job. it shouldn't make me mad but for some reason it does. and i don't like being mad. especially today. it's sunday and i should be thinking about the lessons that were taught. but all i can think about is

you.

         and me. 

                  and death. 

                             and god. 

remembering june

He shared the beef jerky with his family, and right then I knew they had my heart. 

We were told we couldn't eat the fruit so we stole the chocolate. (in our defense we didn't know we stole it until after)

The bathrooms never worked and you made fun of my hearing.

We climbed the mountain and I got a sweaty back.

We slept on the roof and tried to talk all night. 

We spent every minute of everyday together for two and half weeks.

I was friend zoned while you went on a sunny vacation and we passed bricks.

I have never been more grateful for ice cold drinks and cement mixers because being friend zoned and the friend zone song you sang me made my june one I will never forget. thank you.

also ... RIP to the dog we named brick.

what i couldn't get out before

I've always been the middle child.

Not just with my family but everywhere. It's a disease. The "I'm not loved but I'm not hated" disease. Before I begin, let me get this straight, most of the time I AM NOT COMPLAINING. It's pretty nice not having to check in 24/7 and be able to walk in past curfew unseen because they both fell asleep. Trust me I realize it's nice. but@ the same time the tramp has gotten old. Sleeping there one to many times because they forgot I was out and locked the doors thinking they were keeping the bad guys away.

me - "Dad I'm sick."

dad- "Drink a glass of water and go to sleep."

brother- *coughs once*

dad- *schedules 2 doctor appointments just to make sure everything is ok*

That's how it goes. My body has learned and my immune system has probably never been better. I think I am more prepared then they are. I try to help by making broccoli and carrots for dinner. Her new job has helped our home and I believe that I am actually feeling better but...

My sickness has now spread to my school. Teachers were different sophomore year then they are now. I don't know if they are scared of big senior me or they think I'm contagious. They see the disease sitting on my shirt and think if they acknowledge me then they'll catch it. but YOOHOOOO I'm over here and my shirt is clean. I promise you can ask me anything. Ask about my brother it's ok that you care. Ask me what I did this weekend or what I want for my birthday. Ask me anything you want just not nothing at all. I want to be known for me and not her. I want to feel like them &be recognized for my strengths and weaknesses. I want you to criticize me sir because this silence is louder than any harsh words. I'm done sitting in my desk letting this disease kill me.

Mr. I've been sick for sometime now and this time I don't think water and sleep will cure it.

true love

makes me happy

comfortable

is there for me through heartache

gives me heartache

dependable even@3:30 in the morning

absolutely can't live without















I think I have found the one. <3<3333<3

right now

1:18 PM

-my stomach is louder than my thoughts

-i'm suppose to be there...but i'm not

-she probably just lied and is with "him"

-it's 86 degrees

-i will probably wait about 7 minutes to reply to this text

4:32 PM

-i'm listening to the ping pong ball bounce as background music to my little brothers whining

-gravity is pulling me down

-i want the chocolate milkshake from purple turtle that is sitting in my fridge

-she is stuck there listening to all 99 complaints

-i'm waiting for a punishment because this time i know i'll be in trouble

5:45 PM

-my dad's voice just cracked and i laughed

-thousands if not millions are on their phones texting

-there is war&pride

-i wish i knew how to talk about love

-he's looking in the mirror

9:09 PM

-somebody just missed the bus

-i just woke up from a nap

-they just shared the big news

-someone is laughing histarically upstairs

-my top lip hurts

10:43 PM

-i can't go back to sleep

-his status just went from engaged to single

-i am envious of my sister's looks

-lines are being made and crossed

-i am eating goldfish

1:30 AM

-curfew is being broke

-a prayer was answered

-the moon is a waining crescent 

-I am not tired 

-fruit snacks are against the rules

4:44 AM

-I am tired

-I am tired

-everyone else is asleep 

-I am tired

-I am tired

8:56 AM

-my feet hurt

-I'm so bitter towards all the happy people in life

-she doesn't get any fruity pebbles 

-she realized it was a one night stand

-there is a stranger sleeping on my couch

7:04 PM
-i'm back. 11 hours, a needed nap,  &food
-listening to "Another Story"
-i hate love
-mother is driving me crazy
-is the first day of fall.:) and that makes me happy

writing my scars

I fell hard last night. 

You may think my eyes are weak but no I didn't cry. I didn't cry when my great grandma died. Nor did I when the whole theatre laid sobbing with hazel grace in her bed. I didn't cry when she yelled at me in front of my friends. I couldn't get myself to cry for the cop so he would see I was human. &humans sometimes make stupid mistakes. (i really don't like to talk about stuff like this) I promise you officer I am human. I cried when my crush called me fat. We were only ten but my scar is permanent. I'm reminded of it every morning when I look in the mirror. There it is, sitting on my hips. Laughing at me just like he did. It still makes me cry. Officer I cried when I heard the news. I missed 2 whole class periods sitting by that pond. If those ducks could talk they would tell you. I cried when she kissed him. I cried when she wasn't excited for me. I cried because I was oblivious and never raised my hand in class. I cried when I passed up the tango. I cried in front of my teacher once please sir you can ask her. One time I cried so hard because they made me laugh. That's usually most of the time but the point is, I am human. 

I know I'm human because I get bumps and bruises. I have to use a smartphone to think. &I sometimes have to go off treats. I know I'm human because I'm self conscious in skirts. I can't blow my nose in front of a crowd &I scribble when I yell at my paper. 

(I've used this human talk with cops many times before and I learned it never works. being human is an excuse and knowing that makes me one I guess.)

thank you officer. 
won't do it again. 
have a good night.

Brahma Momma.

Brahma Bull:

A breed of cattle imported from India. Horns usually curve upward and are sometimes tilted to the rear. Brahma cattle are known for their extreme tolerance to heat. 

CAUTION: GETS AGGRESSIVE WHEN AGGRAVATED

Mother:

A worldwide breed of human. Specifically made for making more(children, sandwiches, ect..) Moms are known for their extreme ability to protect, overprotect, and nurture their offspring.

CAUTION: WILL DEFEND CHILDREN @ ANY COST

Brahma Momma:

A mix breed of human & bull. Usually in the form of a Homo sapien, but have been spotted in bull form on rare occasions. Known for their extreme tolerance to heat and OVERPROTECTION of offspring.

CAUTION: GETS AGGRESSIVE WHEN CHILDREN ARE AGGRAVATED

I think I saw my mom turn into a Brahma Momma yesterday. 

I bet you Jacqueline K was one. 

I doubt Kris Jenner.

I think Katharine Hepburn, and Florence Thompson both were one too.

but not so much Brit Spears and Dina Lohan.

I even bet Rhonda is a Brahma Momma sometimes. &same with the queen.

Skin-walkers and shape shifting scare me.

lottery

"I won the sun in the lottery but I didn't want it because nothing is ever good enough for me." -RT

crayola

Physically the world in which we live is very colorful. Blue skies. Green Grass. Yellow transportation cars that we trust to get our children places. One eyed one horned flying Purple people eaterzz. Orange and Black who hold each others hands while spooking the world on a certain scary night. Gold is initially what makes the world worth while. White is expected for the color of a smile. Brown chocolate with Pink balloons makes February 14th pretty sweet. Not that I would know but I saw it in a movie once and it felt cheesy but right. Red to our nation is a symbol of "hardiness & valor". (Personal opinion but I see Red as weakness, losing something you once possessed.) 

Colorful things and Colorful people. 

My old neighbor Ray is White. You wouldn't think so when you watched him on the court. but nothing was wrong about Ray. He was pure and clean. When I grew up I knew who I wanted to be. 

I won't say names but she is definitely Red. She loses herself so quickly it scares me. 

Lauren is a soft Pink. She loves so sweetly and is so willing to give. 

Ironic that Justin's favorite color is Purple. #gaypride I think he looks like a girl. 

Braydo I believe is Orange. I haven't decided if it's because I see him around that color too much or because his personality is so bouncy and bubbly. Probably both. 

My best friend is Blue. Her funny personality is as crazy and unpredictable as waves hitting California's shoreline. The secrets I'm told NOT to tell are hidden in the depths of my blue best friend.

The family down the street is the typical Alpine, Gold. I shouldn't explain myself here so fill in the blank. _______________________________________________.

I had a friend once who walked and talked Brown. Just the aroma surrounding and the thoughts inside were dirty. Nothing but sh!t came out of that boys mouth. 

That girl last year in math... yeah she's Black. Thank goodness looks can't kill. 

"Sausage" is Yellow. She took the color test to prove it. Not to mention she has beach blond hair, a glowing smile, and a radiant personality. She was one that was blessed. Me and my Brown haired sis sometimes hate her for that. 

My daddy is Green. Through wind, hell, and rain he still stands. Just like that tree. I look up to this man more than anything on earth. &for that my favorite color is Green. 

my throw up of fears

I am scared of throw up. It's uncomfortable.

I am scared of moving and I'm scared of change.

I am scared of the pressure of choosing a pen name.

I am scared of dogs. &tongues. The human kind and the dog kind.

I'm scared of these blogs. Kind of scared to show you me.

I am scared of disappointment and selfishly amTERRIFIED of the thought that someone might relate.

I am scared of the unknown. especially when it's dark and it's in my closet.

I am scared of Paris. scared of the language barrier but definitely not the food.

I'm scared of thoughts and what the thoughts might be saying about me.

 I'm scared that I flatter myself to much cause truly I know those thoughts aren't talking about me.

I'm scared of the power of a name.

 I'm scared of my name.

I'm scared of political statements. &the people who tend to fill conversations with them.

I'm scared of first impressions.

I'm scared of being blind. Physically and emotionally.

I'm scared of goodbyes. that's one reason i appreciate the girl with brown hair.

I'm scared of hair. I think it says to much.

I'm scared of stories. scared of their ends.

I'm scared of our end.

I'm scared that the sun won't come up tomorrow.

I'm scared of forever.

I am scared of god.

I'm scared of the truth.