thoughts and prayers

My shoulder is asleep under my little sisters head and I don't want to wake her.
This is my first post from my phone and my shoulder tingles.
We went to dinner today and sat for 12 minutes and 52 seconds in complete silence .. I timed it.
Our waiter asked if I needed a refill.
I said yes. Give me two.
thoughts of work life and regret filled the table.
Your phone lights up one to many times and his eyes roll
I feel bad cause I raised my voice but I wanted them to know I only have a year
The year is not what's important and I'm really not bugged about the phone (this time) but I hope you recognize the silence and are sensitive to sound cause sometimes I don't know
I want to go out of state for college but I know we don't have the money and I don't have the grades
My sister is waking and my shoulder is piercing with needles that aren't really there but I want you to know I love you and am proud of you. This phone call is more important than me and I know they need it more than me so I guess in state college it is.

death

i was ready to die. well at least i thought i was. up until i met him ... looked him straight in the eye. he was very appealing, especially in black. 17 year old pity me years were over and i approached him confidently.

we talked

 we laughed

and took a walk on a fine line.

 i was comfortable

& i enjoyed myself

i told him secrets that i haven't told myself yet. 

he knows who Angie is and knows the reasons why i want to leave so badly. he made me question my god and made me feel stupid for not being on my knees.

i don't trust. never have never will. i learned that in fifth grade, he only reminded me of what i had forgotten.

DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS

his name was death. and you wanna know what he told me? 

 WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.

    and that scared me.

roll the film

rewind. 

looking up at the tops of trees as you drove, 

wondering how on earth i could be this comfortable 
upside down. 

play a little further back and see me picking you up from being with her. 

stop it, the tape is getting tangled,

just like your long hair used to.

it's messing up the picture and now it's on repeat. 

playing over and over and over, 
screaming in my ear

fast cars & lips

My little brother (eight by the way) sat me down and gave me a talk I will never forget. He called it

how to get a boyfriend. 

Now hello I'm the seventeen year old here and seventeen should be for dancing and kissing but since I lack in one or more of those departments I decided to listen up. 

The first thing he said was make up. Now I know every guy out there always says "you're so much prettier when your natural" and "I hate the orange faced clown mask that girls think they have to wear" but trust me boys you would not want to see majority of us females in our natural habitats. We are animals and zits are not fun. Neither are high school girls. So listen up and remember: wear makeup and be beautiful because the best thing a girl can be in this world is a 

beautiful   

                 little                   

                                fool.

Second. Run fast. Put down the chocolate and pick up the ball because that's what all boys want. They want to be chased around the swings and down the hall. I tie my shoes a little to tight so I know my feet are there. So that hopefully I can find that boy and run and run and run and chase because my little brother always said that running faster will always catch them. &when you catch them, hold them. And hang on tight. 

3. Lol. Rofl. 😂. Hahhhhhahahaha:))):):)):):):))) humor is something you have or you don't so hopefully you have it cause if you don't, you're screwed. 

I don't know why I'm listening to an eight year old boy.

 I don't know why you're listening to an eight year old boy.

Four - Stop it. 

Silly that this step is five because every word is four me. love, kiss, love lots. hugs. hold. don't. lips. hate. like. like - like. take. bees. bird. bare. hand. deep. form. drug. girl. boyz. slut. hazy. idol. kook. fool. best. miss. joys. rare. hope. good. care. free. KISS. help. heal. give. home. time. cats. plus. life. done. warm. dare. grin. joke. calm. soul. soft. free. real. tool. pray. more. kiss. cure. blur. make rest. play. them. work. talk. need. more. save. lost. seek. slam. tick. tock. they. lost. unit. lips. love. kiss.
         kiss.
                     love.
                                  lots.
                                            lips.
                                                       kiss.

#stolen

i give you a thought. 

it was so sad to see him struggle this way. They were lucky. all emptiness! what happens when we keep words apart? My future was something i was looking for. but i am not sure what i think or how i feel. teenage smoking is one of the great, baffling phenomena of modern life. relax? what does it mean to relax? wooden boxes. boss. pen. she&him. something timid and weak. Making mistakes with a frequency that was frightening. never utter a foolish statement. take some $$$$. fear comes from a lack of focus! did you learn anything? that's it. I never think of the future. dress well. i tell myself it's not okay.

thick glasses, & light pink hair

Recorded by the one and only (insert 11 year old sisters name here)

The question Lone Peak asks itself daily. 

Are we human? 

or are we hipster?

for all the yesterdays and tomorrows

ya know life is a delicate thing. one minute you're here and then the next you could be gone. i could be gone. we all could be gone. 

i'm grateful god has spared me this long, he must believe in me more than my piano teacher did. she always would call me twice a week to remind me to practice, then reward me with the candy she knew i couldn't resist.  i lied about practicing. &the thing is, i don't feel guilty.

i appreciate laughs we had in my car. for the screams and ditching class. the wood park will always be our park and happy birthdays will still happen once a year.

i was scared the sun wouldn't come up today. just like it always does .... it did.

my mom asked for the pictures because all she really cares about are the pictures and her job. it shouldn't make me mad but for some reason it does. and i don't like being mad. especially today. it's sunday and i should be thinking about the lessons that were taught. but all i can think about is

you.

         and me. 

                  and death. 

                             and god.