tall walls and warm spaces

Hello My Heart,

How have you been? 

You still there 

inside my skin? 

I've been worried. 

I haven't felt anything for awhile & you had me worried. 

Maybe it's this dang cough or maybe it's because I refuse to take you running 

but whatever it is

                                                                                                                             

 I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the walls. 

I built so many because I wanted to keep you safe.  

safe.

safe wasn't suppose to be lonely.

safe was suppose to save you from the bruises.

safe was suppose to protect you from those teenage boys 

... and girls

safe was going to keep them away and let them not get away.

safe.

safe was the answer.

& i'm sorry because i'm weak and i played it safe. 

but safe was warm.

 and I wanted to stay.

...

It snowed today and I am cold now.

Our fireplace doesn't work and I am cold now.

They left this morning and I am cold now.

my mom told me to go run today,

& I still didn't listen.

I'm sorry I don't take you running.

Maybe this year when january comes around it'll be different.

It's cold now 

but

 it will be different.

Sincerely,

me

clap your hands say yeah

I didn't go to the dance last night, but I did alphabetized some favorites and enjoyed my sunday listening while looking at your cute pictures from the dance.

enjoy 

Africa - Toto
American Pie - Don Mclean
Another Story - The Head and the Heart
Another Sunny Day - Belle & Sebastian
Asleep - The Smiths
Bad Kids - Black Lips
Bloom - The Paper Kites
Butter for Burns - Mideau
Calendar Girl - Stars
Cecelia - Simon & Garfunkel
Cold is the Night -  The Oh Hello's
Dashboard - Modestmouse
Dear Darcy - Joshua James
Elevator Love Letter - Stars
Falling in Love @ a Coffee Shop - Landon Pigg
Fire & Rain - James Taylor
Flapper Girl - The Lumineers
Flightless Bird American Mouth (Wedding Version) - Iron and Wine
Float on - Modest Mouse
Frankly Mr. Shankly - The Smiths
The Garden you Planted -  Sea Wolf
Girlfriend - Phoenix
A Girl, A Boy, and a Graveyard - Jeremy Messersmith
Hello my old Heart - The Oh Hello's
Hey - Pixies
House of Cards -  Issac Russel
Howlin for you - Black Keys
I knew You were trouble - Taylor Swift
I will follow you into the dark - Death Cab
I'm Gonna Be - Sleeping at Last
It all Began with a Burst - Kishi Bashi
January Hymn - The Decembrists
Jolene - Ray LaMontagne
King of Carrot Flowers part 1 - Neutral Milk Hotel
Kiss Me - Sixpence None the Richer
Know Your Onion! - Shins
Landslide - Fleetwood Mac
Little Lion man - Mumford and Sons
Livin in the Sunlight - Tiny Tim
Me & Julio Down by the School Yard - Paul Simon
Michicant - Bon Iver
Money - The Drums
Mushaboom - Feist
My Body's a Zombie for You - Dead Man's Bones
Naive - The Kooks
Naked as We Came - Iron and Wine
New Slang - Shins
No More - Flipsyde
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da - The Beatles
Ooh La - The Kooks
Organ Donar - Jeremy Messersmith
Pa Pa Power - Dead Man's Bones
Paper Aeroplane - Angus and Julia Stone
Peace Train - Cat Stevens
Pizza, New York Catcher - Belle & Sebastian
Play with Fire - Vance Joy
Please, Please, Pleas, let me Get What I Want - The Smiths
Pushin' Daisies - The Yaks
Quelqu'un M'a Dit - Caria Bruni
Red Rabbits - Shins
Riptide - Vance Joy
Scientist Wife - The Yaks
Sexyback - Justin Timberlake
She's got you High - Mumm-Ra
Skinny Love - Birdy
Something Good Can Work - Two Door Cinema Club
Soul Meets Body - Death Cab
Stuck on you - Meiko
Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap
There is a Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths
To be Born - Sayde Price
Trees - The Oh Hello's
Unless it Kicks - Okkervil River
Up Up Up - Givers
Upon this Tidal Wave of Young Blood - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
the Violet Hour - Sea Wolf
the Way I am - Ingrid Michaelson
When you Love Somebody - Fruitbats
Where is My Mind - Pixies
White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes
World Spins Madly On - The Weepies
X Offender - Blondie
XO - Beyonce
Yellow Brick Road - Angus and Julia Stone
You Make Lovin Fun - Fleetwood Mac
You Make My Dreams - Hall & Oats
Your ex-lover is Dead - Stars
Zoostation - U2 (mostly because I didn't have a song for Z)

yup. it happened.

old friend

 my mind is growing tired, 

too much thinking of what i should do. what i need to do. 

but it keeps drifting back to watermelon and rooftops.

to capes and mud fights. 

i was told to love loud and love often

but i never did do what i was told

is it to late? 

can we be curious?

and pretend that we could be?

 curious? 

maybe this is how it starts,

lets play pretend

i am still not certain what i am, or what we were.

but i'm here. 

WHERE ARE YOU?

really i know, i left my heart there in june.

but i didn't know i would want you to find it

so please do. &let me know when that happens.

i want to hear your voice like we once did everyday.

i hope its wonderful where you are.

see you and the gang soon.

you 

and the gang 

soon

thoughts and prayers

My shoulder is asleep under my little sisters head and I don't want to wake her.
This is my first post from my phone and my shoulder tingles.
We went to dinner today and sat for 12 minutes and 52 seconds in complete silence .. I timed it.
Our waiter asked if I needed a refill.
I said yes. Give me two.
thoughts of work life and regret filled the table.
Your phone lights up one to many times and his eyes roll
I feel bad cause I raised my voice but I wanted them to know I only have a year
The year is not what's important and I'm really not bugged about the phone (this time) but I hope you recognize the silence and are sensitive to sound cause sometimes I don't know
I want to go out of state for college but I know we don't have the money and I don't have the grades
My sister is waking and my shoulder is piercing with needles that aren't really there but I want you to know I love you and am proud of you. This phone call is more important than me and I know they need it more than me so I guess in state college it is.

death

i was ready to die. well at least i thought i was. up until i met him ... looked him straight in the eye. he was very appealing, especially in black. 17 year old pity me years were over and i approached him confidently.

we talked

 we laughed

and took a walk on a fine line.

 i was comfortable

& i enjoyed myself

i told him secrets that i haven't told myself yet. 

he knows who Angie is and knows the reasons why i want to leave so badly. he made me question my god and made me feel stupid for not being on my knees.

i don't trust. never have never will. i learned that in fifth grade, he only reminded me of what i had forgotten.

DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS

his name was death. and you wanna know what he told me? 

 WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.

    and that scared me.