Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Those Will be the Days

Yoombeanieyoombwabwa: the word that traveled down the hall and around the corner at approximately 9:30 every night. Only we will know what it means because we made it that way Bull chasing and matching clothes that one time we wanted to be spies and we always played the scratching game then we learned how to dance but your dad told you no and gave you a ball instead.

Those will be the days.

Eggs. Pancakes and Eggs. 3 in the morning Sunday night and I’m suppose to be at school eggs, over easy and a little to cheesy but McCall will only eat your type of eggs and you take pride but Brenna isn’t far behind kinda eggs.

Those will be the days.

The little boy who lies but keeps us all on our toes he meows when he’s sorry meows when he’s mad meows when he’s tired and meows when he’s sad. It took him awhile to come around but sleepovers and Christmas lights kneaders instead of class and hammock sits fights and dropping sick beats he’s too smiley and has an abnormally big head he was told to wear a helmet but the “democracy” and hiding from Quincy took precedence instead.

Those will be the days.

Gallon smashing 2 in the morning tickets and lies the white Cadillac and jeep jamin birthday songs fountain dancing and the concerts that brought new smells tire swings and watermelon rooftops&volleyball in the sand

Those will be the days.

Those will be the days I miss most when I’m old and moved away and fighting over kitchen parts and those scooter days Diamond Rio will be of the past like eerie notes we squeaked through on the strings dad has never seen “big” &holly and Christi can flip their eye lids

Those will be the days.

Angie stopped coming in 2011 and that Christmas was in 2003 that pond day and not school day and school has never been the same since that day was 2013. The days after the crash were the hardest, questioning life, what’s next, and who is this man they call God. Finding the answers and communicating with that God spending those nights crying on my knees, now those…

Those will be the days.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

blades of grass

i walked right out my front door
to learn from natures floor
the dirt the streets and the sidewalk
they say so much yet they don't talk

& what my toes touched last
the blades of grass


taught me how to grow 
to let the sun run the show
focus on the shine 
& this lovely earth of yours, and mine



my pops told me 
long ago
that some folks 
just think they know


all about life

its thoughts 
its rhymes 
its story times

and we cant last

but they are wrong 
and i love you
so please come too



as times goes on this world will change 
but our love will stay the same
but then one day we will die
and watch our souls will fly
and there will lay our hands are grasped 
in the blades of grass

Sunday, December 14, 2014

I don't remember

it's frustrating to look at the three pages i have in front of me filled of "i remembers" and
 have a journal next to me opened to May 13, 2009 that says 

BEST DAY EVER.

because that's all it says.
and i don't remember why. 
i don't know why.
because thats all it says. 

i love all the memories i've kept but where did the rest go? 
and why did i keep some and lose the others? 

why was May 13th the best day ever?

i don't remember.

i don't remember ever meeting my best friend.

i don't remember the first time i fell in love with chocolate milk. 
i'm guessing it was a cold night with movies and sippie cups but i don't remember.

i don't remember our old neighbors last name. the one with the big blue house

i don't remember my little brother being born or what i was doing before i was born.
 i hear of stories and i'm told i will one day remember but right now i don't.

i don't remember his middle name.

i don't remember the first car ride that we actually talked but i know it happened because we practically lived in that car. freak we almost died in that car. 
i don't remember what happened that night but i still stay up late at nights wondering how i can remember every sound and thought but not remember what actually happened.

i don't remember her birthday. actually i do but i don't want to because she doesn't remember mine. &my grandma doesn't remember either but i forgive her because she's sick. but sometimes aren't we all?

no matter how many times you tell me the story i don't remember you throwing snowballs at me. 

i don't remember where that jacket went. i see it in pictures too much and i want it back.

i don't remember how old my parents are i just know that they are getting too old.

i don't remember the first song i danced too.

i don't remember the first time i felt cold. or hurt. or cried.

i have a birth mark on my left ankle and i don't remember it ever being there before age 11. 

i don't remember when these sheets became so empty so fast. 
or when i fell asleep because last thing i remember was calling out your name just waiting for an "i love you" reply.

i don't remember what i was for halloween in second grade. 

it was literally life or death at the time but i don't remember my seventh grade locker combination. or ever practicing the violin. 

i don't remember how my fear of dogs started but i remember him laughing at me.

 i don't remember the score to my best game or anything i learned about credit score.

i don't remember what i ever saw in him or what kind of car old man Jenkins drove.

i don't remember. 

 i don't remember my best day ever.

i have a journal next to me opened to May 13, 2009 that says best day ever.

and i don't remember why.


Sunday, November 23, 2014

tall walls and warm spaces

Hello My Heart,
How have you been? 

You still there 
inside my skin? 

I've been worried. 
I haven't felt anything for awhile & you had me worried. 
Maybe it's this dang cough or maybe it's because I refuse to take you running 
but whatever it is
                                                                                                                             
 I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the walls. 

I built so many because I wanted to keep you safe.  

safe.

safe wasn't suppose to be lonely.
safe was suppose to save you from the bruises.
safe was suppose to protect you from those teenage boys 
... and girls

safe was going to keep them away and let them not get away.

safe.

safe was the answer.

& i'm sorry because i'm weak and i played it safe. 

but safe was warm.
 and I wanted to stay.

...

It snowed today and I am cold now.
Our fireplace doesn't work and I am cold now.
They left this morning and I am cold now.

my mom told me to go run today,
& I still didn't listen.

I'm sorry I don't take you running.
Maybe this year when january comes around it'll be different.

It's cold now 
but
 it will be different.

Sincerely,
me



Sunday, November 16, 2014

clap your hands say yeah

I didn't go to the dance last night, but I did alphabetized some favorites and enjoyed my sunday listening while looking at your cute pictures from the dance.

enjoy 

Africa - Toto
American Pie - Don Mclean
Another Story - The Head and the Heart
Another Sunny Day - Belle & Sebastian
Asleep - The Smiths
Bad Kids - Black Lips
Bloom - The Paper Kites
Butter for Burns - Mideau
Calendar Girl - Stars
Cecelia - Simon & Garfunkel
Cold is the Night -  The Oh Hello's
Dashboard - Modestmouse
Dear Darcy - Joshua James
Elevator Love Letter - Stars
Falling in Love @ a Coffee Shop - Landon Pigg
Fire & Rain - James Taylor
Flapper Girl - The Lumineers
Flightless Bird American Mouth (Wedding Version) - Iron and Wine
Float on - Modest Mouse
Frankly Mr. Shankly - The Smiths
The Garden you Planted -  Sea Wolf
Girlfriend - Phoenix
A Girl, A Boy, and a Graveyard - Jeremy Messersmith
Hello my old Heart - The Oh Hello's
Hey - Pixies
House of Cards -  Issac Russel
Howlin for you - Black Keys
I knew You were trouble - Taylor Swift
I will follow you into the dark - Death Cab
I'm Gonna Be - Sleeping at Last
It all Began with a Burst - Kishi Bashi
January Hymn - The Decembrists
Jolene - Ray LaMontagne
King of Carrot Flowers part 1 - Neutral Milk Hotel
Kiss Me - Sixpence None the Richer
Know Your Onion! - Shins
Landslide - Fleetwood Mac
Little Lion man - Mumford and Sons
Livin in the Sunlight - Tiny Tim
Me & Julio Down by the School Yard - Paul Simon
Michicant - Bon Iver
Money - The Drums
Mushaboom - Feist
My Body's a Zombie for You - Dead Man's Bones
Naive - The Kooks
Naked as We Came - Iron and Wine
New Slang - Shins
No More - Flipsyde
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da - The Beatles
Ooh La - The Kooks
Organ Donar - Jeremy Messersmith
Pa Pa Power - Dead Man's Bones
Paper Aeroplane - Angus and Julia Stone
Peace Train - Cat Stevens
Pizza, New York Catcher - Belle & Sebastian
Play with Fire - Vance Joy
Please, Please, Pleas, let me Get What I Want - The Smiths
Pushin' Daisies - The Yaks
Quelqu'un M'a Dit - Caria Bruni
Red Rabbits - Shins
Riptide - Vance Joy
Scientist Wife - The Yaks
Sexyback - Justin Timberlake
She's got you High - Mumm-Ra
Skinny Love - Birdy
Something Good Can Work - Two Door Cinema Club
Soul Meets Body - Death Cab
Stuck on you - Meiko
Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap
There is a Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths
To be Born - Sayde Price
Trees - The Oh Hello's
Unless it Kicks - Okkervil River
Up Up Up - Givers
Upon this Tidal Wave of Young Blood - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
the Violet Hour - Sea Wolf
the Way I am - Ingrid Michaelson
When you Love Somebody - Fruitbats
Where is My Mind - Pixies
White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes
World Spins Madly On - The Weepies
X Offender - Blondie
XO - Beyonce
Yellow Brick Road - Angus and Julia Stone
You Make Lovin Fun - Fleetwood Mac
You Make My Dreams - Hall & Oats
Your ex-lover is Dead - Stars
Zoostation - U2 (mostly because I didn't have a song for Z)

yup. it happened.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

old friend

 my mind is growing tired, 
too much thinking of what i should do. what i need to do. 
but it keeps drifting back to watermelon and rooftops.
to capes and mud fights. 

i was told to love loud and love often
but i never did do what i was told

is it to late? 

can we be curious?
and pretend that we could be?
 curious? 

maybe this is how it starts,
lets play pretend
i am still not certain what i am, or what we were.
but i'm here. 
WHERE ARE YOU?

really i know, i left my heart there in june.
but i didn't know i would want you to find it

so please do. &let me know when that happens.
i want to hear your voice like we once did everyday.



i hope its wonderful where you are.
see you and the gang soon.



you 

and the gang 
soon


Sunday, November 2, 2014

thoughts and prayers

My shoulder is asleep under my little sisters head and I don't want to wake her.
This is my first post from my phone and my shoulder tingles.
We went to dinner today and sat for 12 minutes and 52 seconds in complete silence .. I timed it.
Our waiter asked if I needed a refill.
I said yes. Give me two.
thoughts of work life and regret filled the table.
Your phone lights up one to many times and his eyes roll
I feel bad cause I raised my voice but I wanted them to know I only have a year
The year is not what's important and I'm really not bugged about the phone (this time) but I hope you recognize the silence and are sensitive to sound cause sometimes I don't know
I want to go out of state for college but I know we don't have the money and I don't have the grades
My sister is waking and my shoulder is piercing with needles that aren't really there but I want you to know I love you and am proud of you. This phone call is more important than me and I know they need it more than me so I guess in state college it is.